Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames!!!!

Le Boyfriend and I went out to dinner with my mother the other day. It was mostly really nice. Le Boyfriend is wonderful; Mom is wonderful. Put them together, it's pretty much an automatic win.

Here's where dinner got stupid. Le Boyfriend and I walk into the restaurant and are seated by the host. Now, normally I create pseudonyms for people, but I just can't make up something more ridiculous than what was said to us: "Tequila will be your waitress."
Host walks away, and I lean over to Le Boyfriend. "Did he just say 'Tequila'?"
"Sounded like it. He couldn't have...."

We sit down, we start chatting with my mom, and our waitress approaches. "Hi, I'm Tequila. I'll be your waitress." And holy damn, her name tag said "Tequila."

At this point, I'd like you to picture me staring at my feet, pinching the bridge of my nose, and shaking my head in dismay.

Okay. Liquor is not a name. Do not name your child after liquor. (The major exception that I can think of to this is Brandy. If the alcoholic beverage shares a name with a region and is an accepted human name, go nuts.) Let's discuss other words that are not names.

Adjectives: Lacey, Blue, Precious
Fruits: Gwyneth Paltrow has more money than God and is from a fucking dynasty. She can name her child Apple. She can afford the therapy. If you can afford the therapy, go ahead and name your child Raisin or Apricot or Pomegranate.
Household Objects: Doorknob. Wrench. Spade. Definitely do not name your child Spade. Trust me. Just don't.
Barnyard Animals: If you ever thought, "Hey, I should name my daughter Pig!" just go punch yourself in the face.
Body Parts: Foot. Eyeball. Keratin. Sadly, I can see somebody naming their daughter Keratin. Please don't be that person.
Appliances: I love TV. LOVE it. I'm watching it right now. But if I were to name my son Television, I'd call social services on myself. Blender, Alarm Clock, and Nintendo Wii are also unacceptable.
Happy Concepts, but You're Spelling it Differently and Pretending It's a Name: Luv, Kumpanionship, Piece, Justys. No. It also doesn't work if you give your daughter a Happy Concept Name with an "a" on the end of it. "Dreama"? Nope-a.
Titles of Family Members: It's just weird when you name your infant son Uncle. Even weirder when you name him Great-Great-Grandpa.
Cardinal Directions: I dated a man with the last name West. I dig it as a last name. Leave it as that.
President's Names: I don't mean the first names. Most of the US Presidents had solid first names. I can even get on board with giving your child a President's last name as a middle name. But for the love of sanity, don't give your child the first name Garfield. Or Polk. Really. Not cool. And cool it with the Kennedies already. Fantastic last name. I can even dig it if the mother's maiden name is Kennedy and wants to carry on that name. But I listened to a woman discuss what she wanted to name her next child and say she wanted to stick with the theme of president's names. "I have a Madison, a Jefferson, a Kennedy..." Your children aren't a novelty. You don't need to collect the whole set!
Royal Titles: It's cute when you name your dog Duchess. Not cool when you do that to your child.
Super Heroes: Don't name your son Superman. Please. Just don't do it.
ADOLF FUCKING HITLER: There was some crazy ass couple who named their son Adolf Hitler. No, not a couple that lived in a cave and happened to have the last name "Hitler" and thought "Hey, Adolf is a good, strong German name!" Not Alois and Klara Hitler in 1889. A couple who intentionally gave their son the first name Adolf, middle name Hitler. They also gave their daughter the middle name "Third Reich." If you're a hateful, ethnocentric, Manifest Destiny-Loving bastard, then that's on you - don't saddle your child with that shit.

Some examples of names that are pretty awesome:
Boys: Alexander, Bradley, Charles, David, Edward, Frank, Greg, Hank, Ivan, Jerry, Kenneth, Leonard, Michael, Nicholas, Oliver, Paul, Quinn, Richard, Steven, Thomas, Victor, William, Zachary
Girls: Amy, Bethany, Catherine, Darlene, Elizabeth, Glenda, Hannah, Ingrid, Julie, Kimberly, Laura, Mary, Nancy, Olivia, Quinn, Rosalind (it's a good one!), Sarah, Theresa, Veronica, Wilhemina (unless your last name is Murray. That's a big role to fill).
Can you spot the common thread? THESE ARE NAMES!!!!!
Don't throw Scrabble tiles and make up a name. Pick up a damn baby names book. Reading won't hurt you.