Use Fucking Punctuation!

Use fucking punctuation!

I have decided I will no longer be answering questions via e-mail/text message/private message/blog comments/Facebook comments/etc unless they end with a question mark. "What are you doing." is just a stupid statement.

If you misuse a comma, I don't consider it the end of the world. If you misspell a polysyllabic word, fine. But I have just received a message ask/stating "how fair a way it". No. Just fucking no. For the record, this is a recurrent frustration regarding this person. I'm not really such a nasty bitch that I'll scream at random people for making grammatical errors. I just scream at people who I know are smarter than that but are being fucking lazy. Stop being fucking lazy and using some damn punctuation.

Edit: I feel I should point out that this person is
A) Not four years old
B) A native English speaker
C) An aspiring author

Suggestive Selling

A lot of stores offer incentives to their employees for meeting certain goals with suggestive selling. Suggestive selling, in case anybody isn't aware, is a cashier trying to talk a customer into buying a specific product. This is most obvious when an impulse item is the suggestive sale item. For example, a candy bar or a pack of gum. Here's how suggestive selling conversations should go:

Cashier: Hello! How are you doing today/tonight?

Customer: I'm doing well. How yourself? [Yes, in my ideal world, everybody uses proper grammar]

Cashier: I'm also doing well. Did you find everything all right?

Customer: Yes! That lovely young man/woman stocking the aisles helped me find the flibbity-gibbits.

Cashier: Oh, wonderful! Man/Woman is quite fantastic. Your total is $11.66. Would you like to add a Chocolate Om Nom bar? They're on sale, three for $3 this week!

Customer: Oooh, yea! I love Chocolate Om Nom bars! I'll stock up while they're on such a great sale. I'll take twelve! Thank you for pointing out such a terrific deal!

[Bonus bitching: Yea!=yay! Yeah=Yeah. "Yea" is not an abbreviation of "yeah."]

I suppose it would also be all right if the customer's last line were replaced with "No thank you," though of course when making those sales are a part of your job and you do get that measly little commission, we prefer to hear yes.

Now, let's review some examples of shitty behavior that's not cool:

Cashier: Would you like to add a Chocolate Om Nom bar. They're three for $3 this week.

Customer: Fuck off!

Also not cool:

Cashier: Would you like to add a Chocolat--

Customer: NO!

Neither is:

Cashier: Would you like to add a Chocolate Om Nom bar?

Customer: No! Dammit, that's so annoying! Why the fuck do you bastards always try to make me add shit?

Now that we've covered the outright rude no-nos of refusing a suggestive sales, let's look at some of the obnoxious and/or stupid responses.

Cashier: Would you like to add a pack of gum? It's 99 cents and you get bonus points on your loyalty card this week!

Customer: Oh, no! Gum is so bad for you! [annoying enough]

Cashier: Okay, your total is $24.94.

Customer: Oh, wait. Can I get a carton of Marlboro Reds? 

[I assure you, if you've ever done this, your cashier wanted to choke you and say "Oh, no! Cigarettes are so bad for you!" - with love from a former smoker]

And then there's the "Oh, God, I'm so clever and witty and so proud of my humour!" jackass. Trust me, we appreciate that you're being nice, and we appreciate jokes, just not the same damn joke EVERY time.

Cashier: Would you like to add some Chocolate Om Nom bars? They're 3 for $3 this week.

Customer: Oooh. I would love some... [moment of hope! Oh God! I'm going to get some nickels!] But I shouldn't/I'm cutting back/my waistline doesn't think it's a good idea.

[THEN BUY A PACK OF FUCKING GUM! SCREW YOU FOR GETTING MY HOPES UP! I HAVE TO WORK TWO JOBS TO PAY MY RENT, I NEED MY NICKELS, ASSHOLE!]

Cashier: Haha, [polite smile], then your total is $Blah Blah

Not exactly related to suggestive selling, but the same goes for "Oh, my item didn't scan, likely because I handed you a crumpled up bag and a digit got missed? It must be free!" No. Get the fuck out of my store. You're unoriginal and far more annoying than you are funny. Oh and same with "What can I help you find today?" "If I told you, I'd have to kill you." As somebody who has received a genuine death threat from a customer, I assure you, that joke is never funny. Even though you're laughing and appearing to be nice, you make that joke, I want to hit my panic button and get the police there immediately.

I digress. Here's the fact about suggestive selling. Your cashier hates doing it more than you hate hearing it. Oh, no, you get asked maybe as often as once a day if you'd like to add something on to your order? I'm a floor associate; I only run register when I'm covering the cashier's break or when the cashier gets a huge line. That being said, I asked 52 people today if they'd like to add some Chocolate Om Nom bars. You know how many fucking did? 2. One of them was a coworker. They each added three, so I got a total of six nickels today. Thirty cents for 50 people either being rude or making the same dumbass, played out joke. I feel I should reinforce that this is where I vent and I'm a totally different person at work. When I'm at work, I'm actually quite friendly. I don't actually throw packages of gum at customers when they refuse to buy them (but oh would that be sweet). The point of this entire entry? Don't be rude in response to a suggestive sell. We're not doing it annoy you; we're doing it to not get fired. And to maybe accidentally be able to afford a soda at the end of the week.