SAWs Attempting to Flirt

I just blocked some jackass on Facebook.

I belong to a Facebook group for a certain science-fiction fandom in my local area. I know many of the people in this group personally, in real life. The few people I don't know are usually friends with some of my friends. So when a member of this group, who we'll call SAW (Super Annoying Wanker), sent me a friend request, I thought, "Sure, he's probably friends with a lot of my friends!" Nope. And, he's a super annoying wanker.

Mostly, SAW was a super annoying wanker because of the non-fucking-stop annoying posts and sharing. Okay, dude, you've known me for, like, two minutes on Facebook. Stop sharing shit to my wall like you know me and we have inside jokes. Even after I changed what should show up from him on my newsfeed, he was still managing to clog up my newsfeed with his stupid crap. I mean, okay, it's your Facebook, you can do whatever you want. If you really like pictures of cats, share however many pictures of cats you like. If you want to post new status updates about wanking to coffee every twenty seconds, go nuts. But really, you don't need to tag me in every damn cat picture/fandom picture/thing vaguely related to fandom/Muppet bullshit you post, especially when there's 80 posts a day!!!!!! The admins of our common group even sent him messages asking him to calm the fuck down and stop sharing every about this popular fandom that pops up on the internet on the group page.

This is just backstory. Time to get to the specific stuff. SAW sends me a friend request that I foolishly accept. I haven't even lifted my finger from my mouse after clicking "accept" and I've got a Private Message from him. So I talk to him a bit, and I'm not digging him too much, but okay, sure, whatever, we'll chat. He then ends the message with "Okay, cutie, I'll talk to you later."

Oh, SAW. "Cutie"? For real? Let's start with the stupidity of YOU'VE NEVER FUCKING SEEN ME! Do you know what I look like? No. You've seen a picture on the internet. The picture is actually of me, but you don't know that. I am cute, but it's still ridiculous of you to assume that. Also, why do you think it's okay to start out making comments about my appearance? We're having a conversation, not fucking and not having a photo shoot. You're asking me questions, I assume this means you want to know about me as a person. This assumption is shattered by your saying "I don't care about who you are, I'm bringing focus back to your appearance." Thirdly, you didn't make a comment about "I think you're pretty." You have taken away my name and replaced it with a term of condescended, pseudo-endearment that one would use for a child. You know who I called "cutie"? My three week old nephew. You know what I usually call him instead? "David."

So, SAW shared a comic with me on Facebook and this was about my last straw.
You know what? I'm going to be lazy here, and just copy and paste my replies from Facebook.
Comment One: Well, let's start with the fact that it's Negging. If any of you are fortunate enough to not know what "negging" is: this is when one person (frequently a male talking to a female, but not necessarily, but I'll be going with this scenario to avoid wanting to punch a pronoun in the theoretical face), trumps a minor compliment with an insult, i.e. "I really like your bangs. Most girls with a nose that big can't pull off bangs." It focuses on a negative, a likely point of embarrassment, and is meant to damage the self confidence of the woman. It's like saying "You have this flaw, but I can forgive it. Never expect anybody else to though! All anybody else is going to see is that big nose." It's manipulative and terrible, but it is a ploy to achieve casual sex. So salsa's response is dead on, even though I think she should have included "Fuck off" and breaking off the corner of his chip head.
Comment Two: Also, "Don't be shy; here's a comment on your appearance." Because I don't fucking care about you as a person (or an anthropomorphized jar of salsa). It doesn't matter who you are. You have a physical quality that I like. For example, I like men with dark hair and olive complexions. This is like me saying to a guy "Yeah, it doesn't matter to me what you say right now because I'm not paying attention to your personality or your opinions, you have a physical attribute I like and that's the only reason I'm here."
Tonight, SAW sent me some more private messages, to which my answers were becoming increasingly curt and snarky. This culminated in him saying "Your fun to talk to" (oh, yeah, no attempts at proper usage of your/you're or abbreviation is TOTALLY the way to win the heart of a nerdy girl!) and me replying with "Yeah, well, you're not."
Could I have handled this better? Certainly. Could he have? Definitely. 'Bye-'bye, Wanker.

While I'm on the topic of SAWs, let's discuss a few more of them.

I went on a date with this guy a few weeks ago. Partway through, he starts telling me his life story. Not like, "I went to college here, I do this for a living." Like "When I was 8 my mother died in front of me, and my father tried to get custody of me but couldn't because he had been married to somebody else when my mother got pregnant so she didn't list him on the birth certificate. So I went to live with an aunt and uncle who beat their autistic son who in turn tries to beat me up. Yeah, I still live in their basement and am 30. I just don't want to look for work more than two miles from home. Well, my brother offered to let me live with him in this area where jobs are good and plentiful, but I don't want to do that. Where are you going?" I mean, people go through shit in life. It doesn't make them bad people. It frequently makes them stronger and better people. However, when you tell me that you're in a bad situation but are making no attempts to make it better, you're fucking ridiculous. I don't want to deal with people who lie, but you're supposed to try to sell yourself a little bit on a first date. If I can bother to put on mascara, you can wait until a second date to tell me all about your defeatist views on life. Actually, you know what? Scratch that. You can tell me about your defeatist views on life before asking me out. Save me some time. And seek therapy. Seriously. You need help with that shit.

I once went on a first date with a guy who told me a story about his being dick to some kid. He then actually used the phrase, "Yeah, because I have really high self-confidence, I'm okay with telling people when they're wrong." Nope. That's not self-confidence. That's narcissism. It is not an attractive quality. Stop talking.

Went on a first date with another guy. We had fun. He paid for my chai tea, we talked, we laughed. He boasted a little bit about how he's young (younger than me, incidentally) but has a good job that he really likes and owns a house and such, but never said "I own a house at 25 because I'm fucking awesome." More in terms of "It's important to me to be independent. I really like my job, because it's meaningful to me and I think I'm good at it. It doesn't make me sad that it's good money." Good job, sir. You've presented yourself well. Please give lessons to your peers. Did it work out? No. But at least he wasn't a SAW about it.

The Best Date Ever

I went on the best date ever today.

We had a quick lunch, then went for a nice, long walk on the beach. After that, we went for a long, relaxing car ride. We got Chinese takeout and came back to my place. I ate my Chinese food, he had some cereal and an egg. We watched "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and took a little nap together. I'm awake again, but I haven't woken him up. He's extremely cute and somehow even cuter when sleeping, even if he does have his butt on my pillow. It's been a great day.

Too bad the human man I had a date scheduled with today postponed and I wound up on a "date" with the dog today...

A New Something Awesome!

Jerry Bradshaw has the most beautiful tenor voice I have ever heard. When he writes comedic songs, they are hilarious. When he writes serious songs, they are incredibly deep and meaningful. Either way, I love listening to his stuff.

This tremendous singer has established himself as "Ned" from The Village Idiots on the Renaissance Festival circuit, but he is still working on getting his solo career off the ground. His CD is on sale for $10, plus nominal shipping and processing fees. I encourage you all to at least check out the preview here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVVQl4npFbk. If you like it, and would like to purchase the CD in its entirety, follow the link provided on the YouTube page.

Just for funzies, here's a link to Jerry Bradshaw doing a cover of Bob Seger's "Hollywood Nights." Great opportunity to hear what this man can do with a full song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5c1EVoVON4 Enjoy!

I Would Have Bit Her in the Face, Too

Several years ago, I worked as a bather in the grooming salon at an inexplicably popular pet supply store. My first day there, the idiot girl training me told me that she will never work on pit bulls. Ever. I asked her why, and she told me that she had been attacked by a pit bull at work. I asked, "Well, what did you do to the dog?" half-joking. Holy shit, did she fuck up.

This girl, who I'll call Megan, was a bather. She took a pit bull into the back to bathe it. As will happen when you tie up a dog and spray water at it, the dog got scared. This dog broke the grooming loop (it's like a short leash that exists for the purpose of keeping the dog tethered to the grooming station), and, being scared, ran and hid under one of the elevated tubs that small dogs are bathed in. This stupid bitch got down on her hands and knees, stuck her face in the dog's face, then grabbed the dog's front legs and pulled it out from under the sink. Of fucking course it bit her. It doesn't have shit to do with what type of dog it was. I would have bit her if I'd been in the dog's place. When she told me this, I literally looked her in the face and said "You're a fucking moron; I want a different trainer."

I hope I don't need to explain to anybody why this was so stupid and why this girl was absolutely, one hundred percent at fault for this dog attacking her. If anybody needs clarification, leave me a note in the comments and I can elaborate. Basically what it boils down to is a small creature was scared, escaped from one form of perceived attack, then was pursued and attacked again and OF COURSE it defended itself.

The cherry on top of the idiot sundae? The moron was off from work on medical leave after she attacked this scared dog (which is fair, I suppose). Not only was she not terminated for attacking this dog and exhibiting overall poor judgment, when she returned from medical leave, she was promoted. The company promoted her because they were afraid she would sue for her own pathetic lack of judgment and stupid actions.

Not related to Megan's particular brand of stupid, but this also infuriates me, so I'll tag it on. One of the managers was believed to be homosexual. He was fired. The overall environment became extremely hostile against me when a good friend - who is flamboyantly gay - popped in to say hello one day. I thought this was just the store I worked at and that the individual store manager was an intolerant, discriminatory asshole. I have since met somebody who worked at another store, several hours away from where I worked. She was fired when it was discovered she was in a romantic relationship with another woman. She successfully sued. They did not reinstate her or promote her to make that lawsuit go away. That type of special treatment was reserved for dumb bitches who assault the dogs in the salon.

I won't name this particular company, but I will say I will not take my dog there for any grooming services. I will not allow them to cut his nails. They will not bathe him. No ear cleaning. No teeth cleaning. We go to PetCo for his nails (I do everything else at home). Shortly after I left that company, I went in to buy my dog a brush while it was on a super sale. The managers were rude to me, in my capacity as a customer. I did not buy the brush and have not purchased anything from that company since.

*EDIT* For some reason, I'm having difficulties replying to comments. So I wanted to address El Zacho's comment and point out that it's a "Simpsons" quote, not a true story. :-)

Thanks for Your Commentary on my Weight, Random Stranger. Bitch.

I needed help moving my old couch down three flights of stairs yesterday, so I bribed a friend with a homemade lasagne. This resulted in a hectic trip to the grocery store to purchase the items needed for a homemade lasagne. This is a 24 hour store, so I usually manage to avoid the busy hours and go around midnight. However, last minute need for lasagne items meant pre-evening trip to the grocery store.

So, I'm walking my fat ass around the grocery store, gathering the necessities for lasagne. In the pasta aisle, a woman approaches me and asks "Can I interest in a coupon for a free weight-loss smoothie?"

Now, I'm not as off-the-wall, screamy and aggressive as this blog may make me seem. So all I said was, "No, thanks, I'm good." But I was so mad about it, I honestly was hoping she would ask me again so I could feel justified in screaming at her. Some of the thoughts that went through my head are as follows:

Yeah, bitch, that's why I'm purchasing carbs and milk fat. Cause I want to lose weight. Clearly my concern with my weight is showing and I am obviously your key demographic.

Oh, I see you have A cup breasts. Can I interest you in a coupon for a push-up bra? You know, your ears stick out quite a bit. One of my co-workers is married to a plastic surgeon. Would you like his card? No? What? Is this rude? Is it rude of me to tell a stranger "There are things about your body that I personally find less than desirable; you should go change them"?

Or maybe just a solid "Wow, it's really rude for you to approach me with your stupid shit while I'm shopping. If I was interested in your bullshit rip-off products, I would do a Google search and find your company on my own. But thank you for judging me. You're sure to not alienate people by deliberately offending them. Piss off."

Or possibly just a silent face slap.

BUT YOU WORK HERE!!

So, this asshole walks into the store today. "How do I use your store's mobile app?"

"Let's look at it together."

"No! Just tell me what to do!"

"I don't know the app terribly well. I need to look at it as we go."

"But you work here! What do you mean you don't know the app?!"

"I work in a store, not in web development. I don't have an iPhone. If the store provided me with one, maybe I'd know the app. However, it's a different part of the company, and I'm actually not obligated to know it. I will gladly look at it with you, though."

"But you work here!"

"Where do you work?"

"I'm a receptionist at Blargity Blar Orthopedic Office."

"Oh, cool! So you know how to do custom fittings for prosthetic limbs?"

"No! God, you need to listen! I'm a receptionist! The doctors do the fittings."

"Oh. So you work for a company but don't know the details of things that aren't your department? That's weird. Why don't you know how to do everything?"

"I don't have the training to do fittings!"

"And I'm not an app developer. Would you like to figure it out together?"

The point of this, kids? Don't be that asshole who yells at somebody for not knowing every stupid detail of a company, especially when it comes to something like somebody in the store not knowing shit about the website, which is almost always a completely separate part of the company.

How to Walk Your Dog Without Being an Asshole

This should come as a surprise to nobody: I like dogs. Okay, that's underselling. I really, really like dogs. Dogs are the best thing in the world (don't tell my cat!). Yay, dogs! I am particularly fond of big dogs, but I have nothing against little dogs. I was looking for a Jack Russel at one point...and wound up adopting a St. Bernard mix. Ten times the size is ten times the fun!

I take my giant dog for walks on a regular basis, LIKE ONE SHOULD. He loves it and I love it. My giant dog isn't really aware of how big he is. He is kind of scared of big dogs and he loves cats and small dogs. The cutest thing in the world is watching my dog play with my mother's next door neighbor's shih tzu. So, we'll go for a walk in my neighborhood when I get home from work and ultimately, we'll pass somebody walking a small dog (4 out of 5 times in my neighborhood, this is a young woman, so I will be using a generic "she" for the small dog walker. Men with small dogs, please don't take offense. A man with a dog is sexy, regardless of...well, anything. Men with dogs are always great). My dog sees this little dog and gets excited. His tail starting wagging hard, he gets a little panty, he starts sniffing the air, and he starts pulling, because he wants to go make a friend. Unless the Little Dog Woman says something like, "Oh, he looks sweet" or "Aw, look who wants to be friends!" I take my dog across the street. I know he's sweet, I know he wants to make friends, but he's also about 115 pounds and I can see where this could be absolutely terrifying to somebody with a 10 pound dog. So out of respect and decency, I take my dog across the street so as not to scare/upset Little Dog Woman or the little dog. My dog doesn't understand this. He gets upset and still wants to go back across the street and make friends with the little dog. Because Little Dog Woman is standing there, texting or lighting a cigarette or picking her ass or doing anything other than keeping her dog moving. I have a responsibility to move my dog and not allow him to be intimidating, but Little Dog Woman has a responsibility to keep moving and not stand there teasing my dog.

I feel like there's not much else I need to say about this, so I'll just recap. If you're walking your dog and see a dog you don't want to play with, KEEP MOVING. Oh, the other dog crossed the street? KEEP MOVING.